Enter the Zone

My life...post Katrina.

2005-09-21T21:25:53Z

Well...for those dying to hear from me, I survived the bitch called Katrina.
I evacuated on the Sunday before the storm hit, at approximately 8 a.m.
I arrived at my destination, Alexandria, no less than 12 hours later. I was tired, I was pissed, and I was hungry as fuck. Not only that, but I was driving with my 3 dogs in the back seat. Two of them handled the whole ride with little problem, but my lab, now thats a different story.
He spent the whole car ride panting and looking nervously out of the window. There was no point in trying to calm him down, he would just get more excited. There was one point where he laid down and started to doze off, but that only lasted about 15 damn minutes.

So I arrive in Alexandria, where I'm supposed to stay with a friend of my stepdad's...his name was Mario. Now, if anyone has been to Alexandria, they know it's not the most educated town in the world. This is true for my stepdad, who was raised there, and his friend Mario. A lack of an education, I can deal with, but a lack of basic hygiene is unforgivable. Mario has already lost one leg due to diabetes, the other is not far from falling off. It's purple and the skin is all bubbly. He smokes constantly, its like living in a bar. I don't think he showered or ever moved from the sofa, except for when he had to use the latrine or get something to eat.
As disgusting as this man was, he opened his house to me in my dire time of need...and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I spent 2 weeks there, doing nothing but watching the news and staring at the wall. I, like a lot of other people, figured I was going to be gone for only 3 days and packed very little. I had exactly 3 full sets of clothes with me and all of my school shit. I didn't crack a book once, and I ended up buying more clothes than I wanted to.

My salvation came with a phone call from my brother, asking me to go to Hammond with his work. I would be repairing laptops, doing networking, and connecting phone lines via VOIP (Voice Over Internet Protocol).

But enough about my life away from the Big Easy.
My house survived the storm unscathed, save a few tiles flying off of my roof. I went to my house during the 4 days that they allowed people back, to get a few belongings and survey the surrounding neighborhood.
Alot of my friends lost everything they owned. My heart goes out to them. I am extremely fortunate in the post Katrina era, and for that, I am thankful.

All of you who are reading this, my friends and non-friends alike, I hope you are all well.

Everyday I hope to rejoin my long lost brothers and sisters that I have known for years and years, and hope to know for years to come.

Stay safe everyone.

P.S. I shaved my head about 2 weeks after the storm. Heat2lose.

I am two fools, I know, for loving and saying so.

2005-07-26T20:08:17Z

The heart of man is the place the devil dwells in; I feel sometimes a hell dwells within myself. You give an inch, they take a mile. But why? Or better yet, why do I let it happen? Why do I allow the insecurities of another take comfort in my own self sacrifice?
Ah, but yes.
Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give--which is everything.

Love and relationships are truly one of the most paradoxical aspects of being human. For it is in love that we find the greatest of strengths and the deepest of sorrows. Love can seem to be so fleeting and unachievable yet it remains well within our reach if we only learn how to embrace its power. To experience true love, we must be willing to open ourselves up and sacrifice part of our heart and part of our soul. We must be willing to give of ourselves freely, and we must be willing to suffer. It is only when we expose our inner selves to the white hot flame of rejection, that love can burn so brightly as to join to souls, melding the two into one, creating a bond that joins forever. It is from this bond that we draw eternal strength and power ever lasting. It is in this thing that we call love that we find the means to achieve greatness, both in ourselves and in our lives.

Could I love less, I should be happier now. But one is never too old to yearn.

Bridging the gap.

2005-06-10T15:40:04Z

What a dreadful week. I've been working full time these past couple of weeks. I think it's starting to take a toll on me. All the stress and stuff, you know. But its work, and I have to do it. Thank god Frank is there. Me and him have such a good work relationship that sometimes I don't feel the stress, because him and I just laugh at everything. I actually might demand Ray for a raise...I think I'm actually more valuable to the store than he is at this point. Whatever.

Band practices are getting better. Mark and Jeff were really pissing me off for a while. Guitar players...they're such cynical pricks sometimes. They never know what they want, even if it hits them smack in the face. But onward we tred.

There's always something missing inside me. Friends tell me I should get help...professional help. Perhaps....but I think there's a bit more to it than chemical malfunctions and shit like that. Genetics play into it, don't get me wrong...but people are also products of their environment to some degree.

Like I said before...Whatever.

A broom is drearily sweeping up the broken pieces of yesterday's life. Somewhere a queen is weeping, Somewhere a king has no wife, And the wind cries Mary.

Call me Ceasar....Julius Ceasar.

2005-06-05T08:35:40Z

People that have physical scars try to hide them with clothing or a mask:
People with emotional scars try to hide them with a smile or a laugh.
I'm so sick of my heart leading me places where there can be no a happy ending.
Leave me in peace. Let me sleep once at least without my pillow being wet with tears, my eyes burning and my head throbbing. Let me get away from it all. Preferably the world.

There is music playing but we dance to the beat of our own black hearts and draw diagrams of suicide on each others wrists and trace them with razor blades.
If you look inside a girl`s heart you`d see how much she really cries, you`ll find secrets hidden, best friends, and lies, but what you`ll see the most is how hard it is to stay strong when nothing`s right and everything`s wrong.

You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad.

Walking across the thin ice of my dreams, Fearing the cold waters of reality beneath me. Yet onward I tred.

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

When I ate today at noon
All I could think about was you
Wishing you were here to do what you do
Wishing I could feed you with my spoon
Hoping someday I'll see your smile again

I don't know if I can take all this pain
Knowing that I am here and you are there
Thinking about the times we had and will not have

You are the best there ever was and will be
There is nothing to explain you, but lovely
Even when I was sad you made me happy

I just don't know what to do
I just hope one day, I get to see you

For whom the bell tolls.

2005-04-30T17:21:48Z

Blah.
The weather reflects my mood...shitty.

I went out last night...regretfully. I had a pretty terrible time. I just drank and drank....and before I knew it, I was loaded. I got this really strange feeling of deja vu....and Muse was running through my head almost the entire night.
I was so depressed at some points, that I felt like crying. Yeah, I know, that sounds sissy...but I can't deny it. I kept imagining myself...like from a bird's eye view or something....kind of detached from the scenario. I was there, but I really wasn't. It's hard to explain.

I tried to think back to a year ago. I realized that I'm nothing like I used to be, and I can't tell if it's for better or for worse. I certainly think I'm wiser and more able to make potentially rewarding decisions...but I'm still "the nice guy". You know, the guy that people try to use to get something they want. My heart is too big...I know this...and no matter how many times someone walks all over me, I can't break off the friendship.
The hardest thing I find about myself is that I am completely aware of every change that happens to me, physically and emotionally.

Sometimes I just get tired of it all. I lose all sense of caring. That's how I was lastnight. The desperation was so intense, I became immersed in this cloud of self-pity.
It's hard to be sad when there's so much fun happening around you, but loneliness always gets the better of me.

So, I'm sitting here at work...practically doing nothing. I'm waiting for Ray to bitch me out for not doing anything at the festival yesterday. I regret going honestly. I had an OK time, but I got sunburned and I'm exhausted. The heat was intense...and I was in the sun most of the day.

I almost didn't even come into work...but I knew Frank was at the festival, and Woody was at his god child's first communion...so needless to say I HAVE to be here. To be quite honest, I just feel like disappearing for 4 or 5 days. No cellphone, no computer, no drums.

Blah.
Back to work.

Oh, the agony.

2005-04-27T00:01:55Z

Jimi Hendrix once said "I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to." Wow, what a statement...but yet its so true.
Alot of people, especially young ones, are so preoccupied with outside appearances and the whole visual perception of themselves. What hogwash. A friend of mine called me up the other day, distressed because know one would pay attention to her. But it has nothing to do with beauty or appeal in any way. In fact, it has everything to do with the other people.
Everyone has their niche in life, you just have to find it.
To be honest, I didn't really find my niche until about 10 months ago. I mean, I have friends that I'll always have....but some of my old friends I could do without.
Some people spend their entire lives developing careers or reaching some kind of materialistic goal. Its so futile in my opinion. Yeah, of course, you have to make money...but sacrificing love and happiness is out of the question.

My family, especially, worries about my slow journey through college. I could care less, to be honest. Why do I want to get out in 4 years? So I can immediately enter the brutal competition that is America's workforce, today?

Fuck no.
I'm young. All I want to do is have fun and make other people happy. Thats why I play music. Music is the universal communicator of "feel". Now, many people have different interpretations of feel....but feel always conveys some kind of emotion. Movies incorporate alot of different styles to convey some kind of message....its the same thing. Its entertainment.
Despite the accomplishments of business men and the white collar types....my music will outlast all of them...and even at my young age, I have probably accomplished more than they ever will. With the stroke of a stick, or the pluck of a string, I have the ability to change someone's whole outlook or perception of any situation....that is power in its purest form.

So to all my friends, finding themselves in desperate times...just remember..."even castles made of sand, fall into the sea, eventually."

All you need is love.

Your time will come.

2005-04-12T06:36:00Z

I am fucking happy, probably because I'm loaded right now.
Every time I go to Madigans, it reminds me how much I love that fucking bar. The people, the music, the booze....it all creates this fucking awesome universe in Uptown New Orleans.
Bill is the fuckin man.....two shots of free tequila? Hell yeah. Bill is the John Gotti of the uptown bar scene. Everyone respects him, no one fucks with him...and he has the shit everyone wants. His shot innovations have changed my life....from Wild Bill to Kill Bill Vol. I, they have all influenced me. Dave knows this as well as I do. Without Bill, uptown would suck.
Someone fucking pulled a gun at Tuck's the other night. That would never happen at Madi's....know why? Because Bill would have you whacked Italian style.

These are great times we're living people...we're giants among men...live these times to the fullest.

History repeats itself.

2005-04-08T05:31:48Z

Here we go.
I've let myself get fucked over again. It never ceases to amaze me.
The nicer you try to be, the more people will try to walk all over you. I must have way too big of a heart, and way too small of a brain....to keep letting this shit happen to me.
Thats right...just stick the knife deeper into my soul. I'm the big fool in this whole scenario, I always am. The funny thing is, the more of this shit that happens to me, the more I really don't care about anything else. My life is wasting away right in front of my eyes.

On an even worse note:
One of my friends from UNO died in a motorcycle accident last Saturday, just found out tonight. He was drunk, popping wheelies or something....at least thats what one of his friends told me at Madigans tonight. Of course, I missed the funeral because I didn't know about it.

Following your head might be a long, long road to nowhere
Don't dwell on the past
You've got to find the strength to lead you

Hear my words now
Suffer with me
Drown in despair
Set yourself free

Underneath your skin is there enough to keep you breathing?
I drew my own blood another life through this transfusion

Born again in time you're not alone in what you're feeling

Deja Vu.

2005-04-07T02:46:01Z

What the fuck.
Why am I getting this strange feeling of deja vu?

Oh yeah, now I remember...I suddenly became a huge pussy again.

Hello Depression.
Goodbye Progress.

Look at me
Gone away my friend
Can't you see
Buried once again
Endless time
Reached the promised land
State of mind
Suffer by my hand
The end is still long, long way
Overdosed
On my own damn fears
Felt the most
Pain I've felt in years
Sacrificed
My own sanity
Lock the vice then come set me free

Well rounded.

2005-04-05T02:37:54Z

I'm slightly depressed. I have to admit it.
Things seem to have a more profound impact on me as the days go by. The pope dying hit me very hard. I was actually brought to tears. Here's a man who devoted his entire life to God, every damn second....and I find myself complaining about things in life that are nothing more than trivial. I'm not a holy man, true, but we as human beings take alot of things for granted.
I don't have regrets per se, just missed oppurtunities...times when I could have really seized what I wanted. That thought hit me last night. There have been times when I've been too worried about retarded things to actually do the things I wanted to do. And when I started thinking about that, I started to really appreciate what I have. I have a good group of friends...one of them I've had ever since I can remember has been an especially good friend to me. I have a loving family. I have talents and skills that can entertain and help other people. The more I think about it, the more I really think I have alot of things that most people don't....and thats the saddest part. My heart aches for the underpriveledged of the world. The people struggling in 3rd world countries and elsewhere, the handicapped, the impoverished....the list goes on.
I dont mean to sound like a heart bleeder by any means...I'm just putting things into perspective. I could kick myself in the ass for ever being mean or hateful to anyone....there's just no point. Everyone has something to offer.
This society has developed into one that puts down everyone else in order to make oneself seem better...and thats just stupid. The most precious things in the world are those that are closest to us....life, love, other people.....and I'm going to stop looking around them, and start focusing on them.

In memory of Karol Jozef Wojtyla:

-"An excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie, for an excuse is a lie guarded."
-"As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live."
-"Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song."
-"From now on it is only through a conscious choice and through a deliberate policy that humanity can survive."
-"Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence."
-"Humanity should question itself, once more, about the absurd and always unfair phenomenon of war, on whose stage of death and pain only remain standing the negotiating table that could and should have prevented it."
-"I have a sweet tooth for song and music. This is my Polish sin."
-"I hope to have communion with the people, that is the most important thing."
-"I kiss the soil as if I placed a kiss on the hands of a mother, for the homeland is our earthly mother. I consider it my duty to be with my compatriots in this sublime and difficult moment."
-"Marriage is an act of will that signifies and involves a mutual gift, which unites the spouses and binds them to their eventual souls, with whom they make up a sole family - a domestic church."
-"Modern Society will find no solution to the ecological problem unless it takes a serious look at its lifestyles."
-"Once again, through myself, the Church, in the words of the well-known declaration Nostra Aetate, "deplores the hatred, persecutions and displays of anti-Semitism directed against the Jews at any time and by anyone." I repeat, "By anyone.""
-"Pervading nationalism imposes its dominion on man today in many different forms and with an aggressiveness that spares no one. The challenge that is already with us is the temptation to accept as true freedom what in reality is only a new form of slavery."
-"Radical changes in world politics leave America with a heightened responsibility to be, for the world, an example of a genuinely free, democratic, just and humane society."
-"Science can purify religion from error and superstition. Religion can purify science from idolatry and false absolutes."
-"Social justice cannot be attained by violence. Violence kills what it intends to create."
-"The cemetery of the victims of human cruelty in our century is extended to include yet another vast cemetery, that of the unborn."
-"The fear of making permanent commitments can change the mutual love of husband and wife into two loves of self-two loves existing side by side, until they end in separation."
-"The great danger for family life, in the midst of any society whose idols are pleasure, comfort and independence, lies in the fact that people close their hearts and become selfish."
-"The historical experience of socialist countries has sadly demonstrated that collectivism does not do away with alienation but rather increases it, adding to it a lack of basic necessities and economic inefficiency."
-"The question confronting the Church today is not any longer whether the man in the street can grasp a religious message, but how to employ the communications media so as to let him have the full impact of the Gospel message."
-"The United Nations organization has proclaimed 1979 as the Year of the Child. Are the children to receive the arms race from us as a necessary inheritance?"
-"The vow of celibacy is a matter of keeping one's word to Christ and the Church. a duty and a proof of the priest's inner maturity; it is the expression of his personal dignity."
-"There are people and nations, Mother, that I would like to say to you by name. I entrust them to you in silence, I entrust them to you in the way that you know best."
-"This people draws its origin from Abraham, our father in faith The very people that received from God the commandment "Thou shalt not kill" itself experienced in a special measure what is meant by killing. It is not permissible for anyone to pass by this inscription with indifference."
-"To maintain a joyful family requires much from both the parents and the children. Each member of the family has to become, in a special way, the servant of the others."
-"Today, for the first time in history, a Bishop of Rome sets foot on English soil. This fair land, once a distant outpost of the pagan world, has become, through the preaching of the Gospel, a beloved and gifted portion of Christ's vineyard."
-"Violence and arms can never resolve the problems of men."
-"War is a defeat for humanity."
-"Wars generally do not resolve the problems for which they are fought and therefore... prove ultimately futile."
-"What we talked about will have to remain a secret between him and me. I spoke to him as a brother whom I have pardoned and who has my complete trust."
-"When freedom does not have a purpose, when it does not wish to know anything about the rule of law engraved in the hearts of men and women, when it does not listen to the voice of conscience, it turns against humanity and society."
-"When you wonder about the mystery of yourself, look to Christ, who gives you the meaning of life. When you wonder what it means to be a mature person, look to Christ, who is the fulfillness of humanity. And when you wonder about your role in the future of the world look to Christ."
-"Work bears a particular mark of man and of humanity, the mark of a person operating within a community of persons."
-"You are our dearly beloved brothers, and in a certain way, it could be said that you are our elder brothers."
-"You are priests, not social or political leaders. Let us not be under the illusion that we are serving the Gospel through an exaggerated interest in the wide field of temporal problems."
-"You will reciprocally promise love, loyalty and matrimonial honesty. We only want for you this day that these words constitute the principle of your entire life and that with the help of divine grace you will observe these solemn vows that today, before God, you formulate."
-"Young people are threatened... by the evil use of advertising techniques that stimulate the natural inclination to avoid hard work by promising the immediate satisfaction of every desire."

Rest in peace, Karol.

eifersuchtig @ 2005-04-01T21:35:00

2005-04-02T15:45:01Z

Hail and well met people.

Its been a good while since I even looked at this thing. It seems I'm writing this amidst much social chaos. With the Terry Chiavo ordeal and the pope clinging on for dear life, it seems my life's little musings are nothing more than trivial pursuits.
Perhaps you're wondering what I felt about the Terry Chiavo case. Morally, I didn't agree with what her husband decided to do. However, he didn't break any law, and I certainly don't have the right to judge his actions as a human being. Perhaps he had his reasons...who knows.

The pope's imminent death is a little more depressing for me, me being Catholic and all. Although I am by no means a devout Catholic or Christian, I still identify myself with the faith in some way...whether its ritualistic or truly spiritual. Alot of people are saying that, not the next pope, but the pope after him will be the anti-christ. I expect to be somewhat aged at that point....so I don't really concern myself with it.

As far as the band goes, some of you know that my singer left to move to New York. With that loss, we were set back about 7 to 8 months. During the past few months, we have written 7 or 8 more songs and added a second guitar player named Jeff. He says he can also sing, but he has yet to really show us anything. But, he hasn't really shown any effort in that department, so who knows.
We played a show at the Howling Wolf 2 weeks ago with the old line up, opening up for Near Life Experience, whom I am drum-teching for these days. Easy 50 bucks a night.

My brother also proposed to his girlfriend....shocked am I.
That just goes to show you how old you get, quickly. Oh well, best of luck to him. Btw David(if you're reading), you will be getting an invitation to that wedding.

I'm out. Peace.

Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus and Numbers....

2004-10-07T03:02:43Z

Well, Well, Well....
Its been a mighty long time since I posted anything on this piece of shite.
Hmmm, so I guess this is the part where I spill my guts and be over dramatic about everything that has happened in the past few months?
Not a chance.
Fuck the drama, dude. I'm enjoying life...I'm enjoying doing absolutely nothing.
As most of you probably know, I had previously made plans to attend LSU, and live at Sterling Crescent housing. Well, that changed rather quickly. I am currently attending the fine University of New Orleans...where I must say I'm much happier than I ever thought I would be.
Everyone who knew I was going to LSU was extremely disappointed that I changed my mind. Why? Why on God's forsaken Earth would I want to go to LSU, I asked myself. To be honest, I really couldn't think of a single good reason....other than drinking myself into oblivion...which I can do here.
I've even had people be MAD at me for switching schools. Are you joking me? Since when did I ever give a shit about what you thought about my college plans? Ah well...sucks to be you I guess.

I'm stilling working at the fine establishment known as Ray Fransen's Drum Center...never a dull moment at that place, I tell you. I think it's going on 2 and a half years now...wow, time is flying. You know you're getting older when people you went to High School with are getting married. So sad.

As far as the music goes, I'm involved deeply with a Metal band. The name I will not disclose....however, we do have an incredibly hot female vocalist. Big tits + great ass + good voice = awesome combination.
This band has brought the availability of some recreational herbs to me. Thus, I have been smoking lots of it, as of late. I will say, it is good....and the good stuff is even better.

Socially, I'm still single....much to the humor of some people I know....
Yeah, well, to those people....you can eat a bag of dicks, seriously.
I met a girl the other night named Kristy at Quill's...I liked her, got her number and am going to call her either tonight or tomorrow.
You know its funny, she asked me where I went to High School. I replied with Jesuit H.S...
She told me that I didn't seem like a Jesuit grad....I asked why not?....she said I wasn't cocky or arrogant.....
Such a funny thing, the reputation that a person can acquire.
She's right....I chose to be opposite of those I studied with...and I feel I am better for it..

So, in essence, fuck you....you people of great ignorance.

It is not a tumor.....

2004-04-20T23:53:39Z

Yeah, I'm bored.
Once again I'm sitting here at work, by myself, because Ray, Woody and Frank all left early. So gay.
Anyways I figured I'd at least do something and write in this stupid journal, even though theres really no reason for me to do it anymore. Dusting the cymbals gets real old, real quick.

Lets see, what can I write about? Hmmmm.

Well, for one thing, about 30% of all the girls at Loyola are so dirty you can smell them ten feet away. I don't know what it is about some college girls, but they feel the need to quit bathing and practicing any hygiene methods once they leave home. Its truly disgusting. Granted, I don't always brush my hair, but at least I don't have clumps of shit stuck to my clothes and dirt marks all over my skin. I'm so cautious when I sit at my desks in each of my classes, because at least 2 or 3 times a week I find puddles of drool on them or some unknown "substance" stuck to the seat.

Now that I've listened to the new Incubus CD, I actually kind of like it...despite its political undertones. Its pretty cool to listen to, it makes you relax a little.

Speaking of politics, I have something to say about the war in Iraq. While I was at Madigans last Saturday, my friend Allan and I started talking to Bill about Iraq. He mentioned something which I haven't really thought of before. You know how everyone, especially people against the war, loves comparing it to Vietnam? Well Bill pretty much proved that wrong. Vietnam didn't have religion involved. We're dealing with a different sort of fanaticism in Iraq. These people are so religiously motivated that I think we'll have to nuke the whole damn country before we get our point across. You can't persuade a group of people like that to understand you with anything except violence. Thats all they've known for the past 4000 years. I mean, look at the bible. There was almost constant war throughout the bible in most areas of the middle east. Anyways, I always thought it was a sort of hopeless situation.
But, cheers to Allan for getting laid Saturday night. That should be a good going away present.

Its been so nice outside lately I don't even want to stay in my house. I've been going in the backyard to play around with my dogs and just sit and chill. Every now and then I'll have a glass of wine, smoke a cigarette, and enjoy the weather. I know that sounds kind of queer but it is really relaxing. It makes life not seem so bad.

Well, I better go check and see if theres something I need to do before the store closes. Peace.

Falling Down

2004-04-14T15:49:38Z

I'm finding it harder and harder to actually sit down and write something in this journal. The past few days I've tried, I've stumbled with a sort of writer's block.
Its not that there hasn't been anything to write about. Plenty has happened, although some of it I can't or won't mention here.

I find myself spending less time on the computer and more time watching TV. Its funny, because I usually don't watch TV, although I have one right next to my computer.
I watched a movie called "Falling Down" the other night. Great movie, I highly recommend it to anyone. It stars Michael Douglas and Robert Duvall. It tells the story of a defense contractor who gets tired of his monotonous life, seperated from his ex-wife and child, and how he has a sort of nervous breakdown and goes on a rampage throughout Venice, California. Rampage may be a bit of a strong word. Let me give an example of some of one of his exploits:
Theres a scene where he goes into a Burger King and asks for an item on the breakfast menu. However, it is five minutes past the breakfast time and they will not serve him breakfast. After speaking to the manager for what seems like 10-15 minutes and pointing out the wrongs of the establishment, he pulls out an Oozi of some sort and shoots the ceiling, lectures the customers, and then pays for his meal and leaves.
Its an almost comical movie, but it is really powerful if you get into it. You tend to follow the psychological journey of Douglas' character. He believes he is normal throughout the movie, and tries to act that way, but his insanity finally gets to him in the end.

Anyways, its crunch time. I only have like 4 weeks of school left, and I need to stay on track. Its kind of stupid though, it seems like all the hard work was at the beginning of the semester. Most of my classes aren't really doing anything right now. Gay.
God, I hate this fucking school. As I'm typing this, 3 Spanish girls are nearly yelling they're so fucking loud...plus I can't understand what they're saying, so they're already on my "I don't give a fuck about you" list. People, speak English...trust me, you'll do yourself a favor in the long run.

Damn, I'm bored. I've already finished BOTH crosswords for the Picayune and the one for USA Today. I was trying to find a New York Times earlier, but I couldn't. DRAT!
Oh well.

-"You see that sign there?"
-"What sign?"
-"This!"
-"oh you mean the graffiti?
-"Thats not graffiti, that says this is motherfucking private property, no motherfucking trespassing, this means you motherfucker!"
-"It says all that?! Maybe I could have understood it if you wrote it in motherfucking English"

The higher you climb, the farther you fall.

2004-04-07T04:47:37Z

Well, I've had some time to think about it and it's pretty simple after all. I guess it's like the man said - "Man is the measure of all things." I should know.

I was so worried about everyone else's perception, instead of my own. It seems I've forgotten how to live.
I realized that today when I saw two girls loading liquor into their trunk for spring break. I wondered, why am I not going with them?
Then it hit me, I'm at work. Shit. What a joke, and it seems I'm the punch line.
Its easy to live when you have someone living for you. Just let that sink in.

Yes, its true, there are two paths you can go by.
But in the long run, theres still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.

It makes me wonder...wait, what was I saying? No matter.

Most people say I look like my mother, but I act like my father. Do I really? How can you be so sure?
He called me two days ago, on the beaches of Hawaii. Where was I? Oh yeah, I was unpacking UPS at work. How can I relate to someone who has no responsibility? He has no worries. Why does he talk to me, you might ask. Is it fatherly love? Hardly.
I really don't love my father. I can say that with a straight face. However, when I visited him, and was about to board the airplane for New Orleans on my way back...I couldn't help but go to tears. Why? Why did I cry?
I don't miss him now, I don't really feel the desire to see him. I don't understand. Perhaps its like a missing piece of my body. My father and I, we have the same blood flowing through our veins. Maybe thats it. Maybe its the comfort of having his flesh and blood near me. But why don't I miss him?...its pointless now.

Where was I again? Oh yeah...Spring break.
I have to work everyday this week. Thats my spring break for you in a nutshell. All my friends, most of whom work only one day a week by the way, are going out of town...including Dave. Dave actually left Saturday. Oh well. Perhaps the solitude will enlighten me a bit. What a cliche...but how true.
I sat at work by myself for the last 2 hours today. Ray left early. I sat at the desk, thinking, staring, smoking cigarettes. Damn, I need to quit...actually I don't care to be honest with you.
I so want to go to Florida with friends, and throw myself into the state of drunkeness. Actually, no I don't. The more I think about it, the more I would probably get pissed at something stupid and not have a good time. Thats what happens when I go out of town. Something ruins it for me. Its like the man said "Home is where the heart is". How true.

Who am I?
Am I the boy I was in grammar school, or the man I became in highschool?
No matter.
As far as I'm concerned, they're both dead.
But what about this guy, who is he?
To tell you the truth, I don't know yet.
But I like his chances.
I really like his chances.

School is teh suck.

2004-04-02T16:26:39Z

I fucking hate school. It sucks hardcore. Nearly all of my classes within the past 2 days have been cancelled, but I've had to find out upon arriving at school. No email notifications, nothing. GAY!

I just spent the last 2 hours doing my daily crossword puzzle from the Times Picayune. Those things are so easy for me now....once you figure out the general cycle of clues, its real easy.

Fucking shit, this keyboard is gay. Loyola's library computers suck ass. I'm fucking slamming the space bar because it won't press. FUCK!

Now, I guess I'll go look for Gene and Greg on campus.....

Stoly shots anyone?

Tyr's hand.

2004-03-30T18:48:14Z

"If you find yourself alone, riding in green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled, for you are in Elysium and you're already dead.
What we do in life, echos in eternity."

As the world turns....

2004-03-29T02:24:24Z

Drama. Thats the best word I can use to describe the events that occured in the past few days.
I managed to nearly get into a huge fight with my best friend, David. It would have been pretty bad, but things panned out well. We both sort of agreed to disagree. Having a few drinks sometimes helps soothe things out too. You're able to relax, and just forget about everything thats been stressing you.

This guy we know named Alan came back from Iraq. Hes like in the 1st armored division of the Army or something. Hes on leave for a month here, so we took him out lastnight to show him a good time. I don't know him as well as David does, but we've hung out before.
The entire night I kept wondering how he doesn't feel shitty. I know if I was in Iraq for the length of time he was, saw the things he saw, and experienced the war first hand like he did....I wouldn't be in too good of shape. The more I thought about it the more I respect him for what he did. Its hard to put that kind of gratitude into words. I just kept telling him it was great to have him back...that was the best I thought I could say.

Tucks was pretty cool. Lastnight was probably the best time I've ever had there. I saw a whole bunch of people I knew, so that made it alot better.
After Tucks, we went to Madigans. Apparently, some guy pissed Bill off real bad or started a fight or something....because he got thrown out. He then repeatedly circled the block with his group of cronies in the car with him. Bill called the cops and they came....but I don't think anything ever transpired.

All in all it was a good time though. I went to the window at Madigans, and while I was looking out into the neighborhood, I couldn't help but feel good. Perhaps it was because I had booze running through my veins, but I don't think so.
I just felt good, and I didn't need a reason.

I'm not gonna take it anymore.

2004-03-26T07:41:45Z

Yeah, I'm fed up with this bullshit.
I'm tired of people using me to get what they want/need. I'm fucking pissed and I'm not taking this anymore. All you motherfuckers can go fuck yourself.

You got a problem? Fuck you, and Fuck everyone else too. I'm done playing the nice guy.

Gallows Pole.

2004-03-24T16:43:17Z

Hangman, hangman, hold it a little while,
Think I see my friends coming, Riding a many mile.
Friends, did you get some silver?
Did you get a little gold?
What did you bring me, my dear friends, To keep me from the Gallows Pole?
What did you bring me to keep me from the Gallows Pole?

I couldn't get no silver, I couldn't get no gold,
You know that we're too damn poor to keep you from the Gallows Pole.
Hangman, hangman, hold it a little while,
I think I see my brother coming, riding a many mile.
Brother, did you get me some silver?
Did you get a little gold?
What did you bring me, my brother, to keep me from the Gallows Pole?

Brother, I brought you some silver,
I brought a little gold, I brought a little of everything
To keep you from the Gallows Pole.
Yes, I brought you to keep you from the Gallows Pole.

Hangman, hangman, turn your head awhile,
I think I see my sister coming, riding a many mile, mile, mile.
Sister, I implore you, take him by the hand,
Take him to some shady bower, save me from the wrath of this man,
Please take him, save me from the wrath of this man, man.

Hangman, hangman, upon your face a smile,
Pray tell me that I'm free to ride,
Ride for many mile, mile, mile.

Oh, yes, you got a fine sister, She warmed my blood from cold,
Brought my blood to boiling hot To keep you from the Gallows Pole,
Your brother brought me silver, Your sister warmed my soul,
But now I laugh and pull so hard And see you swinging on the Gallows Pole

Swingin' on the gallows pole!

________________

In meinem Herzen weiß ich, daß es Antworten zu meinen Fragen gibt. Lieber Gott, geben mir die Stärke, um sie mit Eile zu finden.

Adaptation.

2004-03-22T04:42:59Z

I guess I could be pretty pissed about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...

And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...

You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure... but don't worry...

You will someday.

Part II.

2004-03-19T17:00:21Z

A - "Is that you?"
S - "Yeah. Who else would it be? Do you see anyone in the room?"
A - "Don't pull that attitude on me."
S - "Well, don't ask stupid questions."
A - "You're impossible."
S - "So, what are you going to do now?"
A - "Nothing."
S - "What do you mean nothing?"
A - "What in the hell do you expect me to do?"
S - "Something other than nothing?"
A - "Shut up, go away."

_______________________________________________________________

I'm supposed to go in early to work for Woody today. Its such bullshit. Me and Frank are the only ones that do any work around that store. Whenever Woody IS there, all he does is talk on the phone and smoke cigarettes until he starts teaching. But then, half of his students cancel because they don't take him seriously, so he only teaches for a couple of hours. Then he goes home. Whatever.

I dropped my last class on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays. I'm trying to eliminate any hassle or anything that might keep me from going to LSU, and that class might have.

I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing tonight. Some friends of mine from highschool that now go to LSU called me lastnight. One of them is a drummer, he asked me some questions about drum tuning, head choice, etc. He wants me to go up there to fix some of his shit, I really don't feel like it though. If he paid me, I might.
Plus, I really feel like going to Madigans again. Last weekend made me realize how much I love that friggin place. No more half filled shots that cost $4.00, all the popcorn and pretzels you can eat..for FREE I might add, and the best bartenders in the uptown area. Not to sound like a dork or anything, but the music they play at Madigans is much better too. I get tired of the rap they play at places like Tuck's real quick. Madigans has a good variety and they mix it up well.
I must have lost my tolerance of the famed Wild Bill. I only had like 4 or 5 Wild Bills last weekend, but I felt like a mack truck hit me the next morning. Dat shit will fuck yo ass up, bitch.
I don't know how I drank so many of those on my birthday. I must have had like 8 or 9 of those, an angel of death, a greasy German (Thanks Kevin, jackass), 2 or 3 beers, and 2 or 3 shots of something else. No wonder I was puking the entire night. A word of warning, actually two warnings......don't let me near shower curtains when I'm in a drunken state, and NEVER, I mean NEVER let anyone suggest a shot when you're wasted....i.e. The Greasy German......perhaps the worst shot ever known to man. That shot could probably corrode through metal in 2 minutes. Disgusting. You know a shot is bad when they mix liquor with sandwich condiments.....YUCK!

Anyways, I have to go to calc class...gay.....adios.

The mirror.

2004-03-19T02:44:00Z

S - "Why don't you go talk to her? Instead of just sitting here."
A - "Why? So I can embarass myself?"
S - "Well, at least you would have tried."
A - "Yeah, maybe you're right...but what do I say?"
S - "I don't know. Just say what comes to mind."
A - "Great. Thanks for the advice, idiot."
S - "Well, I don't know these things. How would I?"
A - "Yeah, Yeah. I know."

__________________________________________________________________

A - "Hey whats up?"
G - "Nothing much, how about you?"
A - "Oh, the same....Nice day huh?"
G - "Yeah, its beautiful. I wish I didn't have anything to do."
A - "Yeah, me too. I hate wasting my time on nice days."
G - "Yeah."

....

G - "Well, I gotta go. I'll see ya later."
A - "Yeah, see you later."

___________________________________________________________________

A - "I just made a complete idiot out of myself."
S - "How so, I saw the whole thing, I think you did fine."
A - "Nah, I fucked up."
S - "I don't see how."

....

A - "Those kind of things just aren't worth it."
S - "Well, theres not really any other alternative."
A - "Yeah. It sucks."
S - "It'll get better, don't worry about."
A - "You say that every time. Why do I listen to you?"
S - "Because you have no choice, remember?"
A - "Yeah."
S - "Cheer up dude."
A - "Why does this have to be so hard? Especially for me?"
S - "Its only hard if you make it hard."
A - "Don't say that, please."
S - "Ok, sorry. What do you want me to say? Yeah, you're a big fat loser."
A - "Fuck you."
S - "Come on, I was just kidding."
A - "Whatever, be gone."

Come on baby, light my fire.

2004-03-18T04:13:45Z

Today was such a beautiful day, I skipped my first two classes and walked through Audubon park. It felt so good to have the wind blow through my hair, as I walked gently through the grass....

The wind...
Its the herald of my happiness,
the vessel of my ancestors,
my perception of reality is forever affirmed by it.
It calls me,
night and day,
to join the Piper on his magic quest.
Echos and laughs,
the staples of his existence,
now haunt the tormented souls of the underworld.
And though the fire burns as white as snow,
and the sun shines forever,
darkness fades to black,
and I lose myself through the muddled air.
Yet through the somber glow,
I can see the angels of bliss,
the valkyries who will lead me to Valhalla.
For all warriors yearn to see,
the glorious halls of Asgard.
Across the rainbow bridge,
where the horn blower guards his post,
and where the end of life
is brewing its mystic plot,
the stars rest their shining beakons.
When will this dream end?
I ask myself.
When will I return to my moment of solitude,
where the greatest feeling I know,
is that of a desperate man,
searching for the soul inside himself.

"A man who fears nothing, has lost all hope in everything."

Third times a charm.

2004-03-16T18:21:58Z

Three days. Its been three days since my last cigarette, and its killing me. I keep sticking my pen in mouth, thinking its a cigerrete.
Overall though, I feel much better. I'm not as tired as I usually am. Smoking drains alot of energy out of you, people really don't realize that.
The true test will be at work today, when Woody and Frank light up around me. Will I be able to resist the temptation? We'll see I suppose.

I'm in a state of confusion right now. Theres a whole bunch of shit going through my head, and its all jumbled.

My arms are killing me. I did 50 push ups last night. I don't know why. Every few days or so I get the urge to do them, and I regret it the next day. I did like 50 situps too, and some tricep exercises. After that I soaked in the bathtub for like an hour. I was trying to relax a little bit, I was very tense.

I should probably go eat now. I just finished my calc class, and my next class isn't for 2 more hours. Oh yeah, and its fucking World Religions....gay.